The Break Up

FICTION (from the archives): Noor sits through a conflict between the two most important people in her life, as they discuss her fate.

Sasha was meeting Doris and Noor after a long time. It was mid-afternoon and they were sitting around a table at the far back of a quiet cafe. Sasha was indulging in a Cafe Mocha, while Doris had her usual hot tea, and Noor - well, Noor was just nibbling, as she always did, on a chocolate chip cookie.

“Despite our differences, it’s good to see you, Doris. This meeting has been a long time coming.” Sasha’s perfectly manicured, magenta nails tapped against her mug, as she took a long, luxurious sip.

“Yes, well, you’re right. There’s a lot to discuss. And after all, we’re both equally invested in Noor.” Doris looked at Noor with studied concern, Sasha with smiling compassion. Noor felt uncomfortable in the spotlight, so she looked down and continued to nibble.

“The thing is,” started Sasha, “there has to be a change in the way we’ve been handling her. Up till now, she’s been in your care, but…as you know, what with the recent circumstances…I had to swoop in to save her.”

Doris, looking like a stern school librarian with her dark brown hair in a high bun, didn’t seem to feel the same way. “We were doing just fine. Everything was fine. She was in a stable environment, had a consistent routine, was working hard to pursue…”

“...your dreams,” Sasha interjected. “She works hard because you put so much pressure on her. You hardly give her any room to breathe. I mean, for God’s sake, Doris,” Sasha exclaimed, raising her arms and splaying her hands in the air for emphasis, “- she’s only 15! This is her time to explore options, be creative, figure out what she wants. On her own.” Whenever Sasha became impassioned, she would use the full force of her body to make her point, like an actress performing for a crowd.

Doris seemed unaffected. “I give her plenty of time to relax. I mean, we watch TV together every evening, right, Noor?” She turned to look at Noor, but didn’t wait for an answer. “She gets time to herself on the weekends, to write in her journal and meet some of her friends.” Now Doris looked to Noor for back up. “Tell her, sweetie.”

Noor just shrugged her shoulders and continued to look down. She’d been through so much. She just wanted to go home and sleep. Or cry. Or dance. She didn’t know what to do. Her life had taken such an unexpected turn. But listening to these two just made everything harder.

“Oh, leave her alone. Can’t you see she’s grieving?” Sasha put one hand over Noor’s on the table and tried, unsuccessfully, to look her in the eye. “Everything’s going to be fine, baby. In fact, from now on, everything’s going to be great. You should feel free! He can’t boss you around anymore. He’s history.”

Noor could smell Sasha’s jasmine perfume from across the table. It felt oddly reassuring. She was free now. Except she hardly knew where to begin. The future gaped open like a black hole beckoning her to enter, but she was terrified of what might lay on the other side. It had been easier to just focus all her attention on him, on pleasing him, not having to think too much about why she always felt anxious or unhappy. Being with him had helped her avoid her own personal demons.

“It’s so easy for you to say that,” said Doris. “You were hardly ever around. You didn’t see her suffer like I did. You were always off on some book tour, spouting your poetry on stage, inspiring other people. You didn’t think to give that same love and attention to Noor.”

Sasha turned sullen. “I was around whenever I could be. But you didn’t make it easy. Your constant nagging. Your negativity. I just couldn’t handle it. I needed space.”

“Well, here we are then,” Doris smirked. “You got all the space you wanted. And in your absence, our little girl went and made an ill-timed decision, suffered at that boy’s hands,” she spat the word ‘boy’ out like it was dirty, “and got her naive little heart broken. You swept in at the very end, with your arms open and your, it’s okay to cry, Noor, you need to feel your feelings, Noor, you need time to heal, and all that spiritual, self-help crap. But who was there throughout the relationship, guiding her to make the right decisions, giving her an adult perspective and some much-needed mature insight.” Doris had made her point. She picked up her tea cup triumphantly, sat back, and took a tiny sip.

But she’d done what she intended. Got Sasha riled up, ready to explode. “Right decisions?!” Sasha exclaimed, incredulously, moving forward as she put her elbows on the table, her lips curling into a menacing sneer and her voice, though still tempered, on the verge of erupting, if given any further provocation. “You told her to stay with him! She came to you with her problems, she told you about the abuse, the nasty fights, how he made her feel like shit, and you told her to be patient. Patient? Because you thought he’d change. You thought she could make him change?!” Sasha fell back into her chair, throwing her arms into the air, exasperated. Disgusted. All the anger and bile, which had been accumulating for years, started rising up again in her throat.

Noor had been quietly watching, waiting for their interaction to end. It always ended at some point, with one or the other of them storming away. But this was too much for her to bear. “STOP!” she yelled, standing up. “Just stop! I’m so sick of you two, always fighting, always thinking you know what’s best for me. Why doesn’t anybody ever ask me? I mean, it is my life we’re talking about.” As she looked at the two stunned women, her initial boldness began to fizzle. Still, trying to look defiant, she sat back down.

“Then tell us,” prompted Sasha, with vigor. “Tell us how you’re feeling, what you want to do now, what you want us to do for you. Because we’ll do it.”

“Yes, dear,” Doris said, with her hands folded neatly on her lap. “Tell us. What do you want?”

They both looked at her - Sasha, imploringly, Doris, mockingly. Noor felt stupid for having said a word.

“I…I don’t know,” she whined like a much younger child than she was. “I just want to feel normal again. I want to feel like myself. But I don’t know who I am. I spent so much time trying to be someone else for him, who I thought he wanted me to be, that I just completely lost myself.” Though her fears stemmed from a much deeper wellspring of insecurity, the idea of wading through all that psychological muck, just to be able to move on, was overwhelming. And on top of that, to have to deal with these two. Though she tried hard to keep a straight face, tears she couldn’t control started streaming down her cheeks.

“So then let us help you figure out who you are,” Sasha responded, empathetically. “Doris is right about one thing. I have spent a lot of time away from you. I don’t know whether it was because I felt pushed away, or pulled towards something else. But it’s time for me to play a stronger role in your life.” Turning her gaze to look at Doris, the empathy in her eyes visibly hardening, she continued. “And I think maybe it’s time for you to take some space of your own, D. Let me handle this one. God knows, you could use a vacation.”

Doris looked aghast. “You can’t just push me out of my own home. And I don’t think that’s what Noor would want. Right, Noor?” All eyes on Noor, who looked down and shrugged. Doris scared her. She could never say out loud the thing she knew deep in her heart: she had hungrily grasped onto all the love that boy had to offer because she’d needed it. She’d never gotten enough at home. Or at least, not the kind she yearned for. Ironically, he ended up being more like Doris than she could have imagined.

“Maybe it would be good for you to take a break,” said Noor. “It’s been me and you for so long now. Maybe it would be good to have a different perspective.”

Doris’s mouth hung open in disbelief. “I can’t believe…after all the…after everything…you ungrateful…”

“Okay, okay, no need to take it so personally, D. She’s made a decision,” warned Sasha. “Isn’t that what you always said - she never makes her own decisions. Well she made a big one when she decided to ignore your advice, and leave that boy. And she’s made another one now.”

It was hard to discern Doris’s emotions. She was usually so poised and in control of herself. But right now, it seemed as if several different emotions were vying for space on her face - shock, anger, disgust, despair. She knew it was time to go. At least, for now.

“Well, then.” She cleared her throat as she stood up, turning around to grab her purse, which had been hanging off the back corner of her chair. More throat-clearing and smoothing out her pencil skirt, taking a breath and restoring her composure. She turned back to face them. “I’d better get started on packing my things then. We all know, Sasha and I can’t live under the same roof for long.”

Noor wanted to say something. She wanted to ask, Why? Why couldn’t the two of them make it work? For her sake? There were times when she needed both of them. And together, they were a force of nature, because the one thing that kept them united was their love for her.

“I’ll see you later, Noor.” Noor stood to hug her, but Doris had already strode away, towards the cafe exit.

“Don’t worry about her,” cooed Sasha. “She’ll be fine. She’s made of metal. And if she tries to create a scene, I’ll take care of it.”

Noor sighed as she turned back to face Sasha. “So, it’s just you and me, then.” Noor hoped she’d made the right choice.

Sasha stood and enveloped her in a strong hug. Noor felt a rush of giddiness. The perfume, the tickle of the fur from Sasha’s fancy shirt collar, the warmth of her cheeks. Noor wanted to dissolve.

To be honest, Noor was a little scared of Sasha, too. Whenever she was around, she provoked this longing from deep within Noor’s soul. It was a mixture of something spiritual and sexual. She made Noor feel like it was okay to follow her desires. But sometimes, Sasha could be too intense. She didn’t know where to draw the line, as if it was okay to satisfy any and every fantasy, fill whatever hunger she had an appetite for. That’s what Doris had always tried to protect Noor from. Sasha’s roving eye, her restless spirit, her lust for life.

But it was Sasha who’d given her the strength to let go of him. So maybe it would be Sasha who could help pull Noor out of her hole and help her figure out who she was and what she really wanted. So she could decipher this longing, so sweet and painful, that had been haunting her for a while now.

Sasha unwrapped herself from Noor. “You’re going to be okay, baby. This is the first day of the rest of your life.” Sasha’s smile was dazzling. Noor closed her eyes and breathed her in.

When she opened them, 40-year-old Noor sat alone at a table, leftover hues from the sunset filtering in through the cafe window. There was an empty plate in front of her, with scattered crumbs from her chocolate chip cookie. She licked her lips to find any remnants of sweetness.

She’d been sitting there, reflecting on her recent divorce - together for more years than she cared to remember, practically dating since she was 15 - but the voices from within just wouldn’t shut up. The inner critic in her head, that mental monster, always so severe, making her feel worthless, like the end of Noor’s marriage was her own failing.

And then there was her body, which had been numb for so long, medicated, pain-free. But pleasure-free, too. Her body had been sending her messages for so long, but Noor had chosen to ignore them. It was when the messages started overpowering her - the anxiety, the nausea, the depression - that she could no longer afford to ignore them.

And then there was her inner child. Or was it her Soul? The most ignored of all. The one Noor quietly started feeling more excited to discover, even though She had been there all along. Never judging. Always loving. Maybe it was She who’d been in charge all this time. Sending Doris and Sasha into her life to turn it upside-down. But to what end? That’s what Noor wanted to find out.

She picked up her shoulder bag, rising gracefully from the chair in her magenta summer dress. She’d felt drawn towards the color this morning. It was a dress she’d bought years ago but never had the courage to wear. It was so bold. But now, bold felt good. It felt right. Her mid-calf hem swayed as she turned towards the exit. It was getting dark outside. Time to go home. Time to face another night on her own. Although, she was never really alone, was she?